Can't Help It
by MsArtheart
Summary: [Longing Series] [Kate Kane x Renee Montoya] [Helena Bertinelli x Renee Montoya] [Kate's PoV.] [ Convergence: The Question centric] [Pre Rebirth era] "...The things we do for our beloved ones, huh." YURI – F/F .Oneshot 1 of 3. HAPPY LGBTQ PRIDE MONTH 2K19!


_**Comics related to this fiction:**_

_**52 series | Convergence: The Question | Batwoman (until the end of The New 52) | Crime Bible: Five Lessons of Blood | Detective Comics ( Kate's past and Renee as The Question II | Final Crisis: Revelations.**_

_**P.s.: Notice me Greg Ruka Sensei!~**_

_**Enjoy!~**_ [ You say you love her / Once upon a time I loved her too / You say you lo-o-o-o-ove her / But you don't love her like I do!]

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**::::: Kate's PoV :::::**

Things we do for women, huh.

Some silly things, like play all tricks and pranks possible on people with your twin sister because you two convicted military brats are dying from boredom…

Or let your mom notice how upset you are because your family is moving from your current military base to another one in less than a year. No wonder why you're frowning so hard! All the hard work you had to adjust yourself in your current place just gone in a blink of an eye…

Then, some years later, you join the USMA wishing to impress your mother and make her feel proud of you for following her steps in Military career, wherever she's resting in peace now.

Or try not fall in love with your sister in arms at the time you were attending West Point, but fail miserably anyway. That, and not much time after you decide to quit USMA to protect said lover and moreover, you quit to preserve **your** honor code. In result you feel the sweetest taste of freedom like you never felt before. You're as free as a bird, rediscovering the world now.

Or start to complain and show fake interest in everything your newfound stepmother do just to check if she's good enough for Colonel Kane. You realize that this same Colonel is only protecting himself from total loneliness and self-pity and you finally accept his decision of getting along with a woman that is not your mother.

Or let every girl you meet at fancy Bars/ Dance Halls/ Nightclubs take a small and disposable piece of you in false belief they've got any good with it.

And keep doing it without feeling any bit guilty until the night you flirt shamelessly with a pretty Latina beatcop just to get away with a traffic ticket...

You keep yourself out of trouble successfully and even get a new girlfriend as a bonus. Without noticing it, you let her spin your world and show you how bitter and cruel and vivid real life is. You feel like you're in heaven's hell when Renee Montoya touches your body, not to mention the huge bullet hole in your soul every time you discuss and fight pointlessly with her because you two useless lesbians happened to be strictly different from one another…

It feels like you are two strangers who never lived the other's life and this particularity makes everything harder to manage. The breaking point happens when you accidentally shove in Renee's face your pride of being out of _Narnia_ while she's still in her closet— No, her own blue-morale internal hell is the best term to use.

You really could do nothing to take her out of her pain, unless to let her go.

And you actually let her leave you after hundreds of phone callings unanswered by her anyway.

Or go right back to the misery of not knowing what to do with your fancy life like the very first day after you quit USMA... Until **Batman** stands his gloved hand to you and shows you the right patch to serve your country; to finally get your mom and sister honored, to save her—

Her... You finally realize that Renee Montoya is not someone else. She's this fairy tale's only person you true love for eternity. And you let yourself laugh out loud because the damn tale is totally right.

You accept her back to your life, accept her new identity and her personal _hell_ again. You realize that she _tastes_ exactly the same and you really really really love it...

…And you let her go again because she does't belong to Gotham City anymore. Geez, she didn't even seems like herself with all the Crime Bible paranoia!

Deep inside you knew she weren't the same at all. You just couldn't accept it until now.

So, as if your life wasn't fucked up enough, you discover that your dearest dead sister is more alive than never and she is your Batman's _**Joker**_ now. You hate it with all your strenght, not only because she becomes a crazy _Alice in Wonderland _themed supervilain, no, you're pissed off because your **father** lied to you all this time and broke his _oh so _cherished honor code and even used his honor code to raise you and Beth. To put more salt in the injury, you hate yourself because instead of saving your sister's life you let her fall from the airplane to drow in the endless darkness of the Gotham's Bay. No matter if it was an accident or not, your pain is all the same.

Or, heartbroken as always, you're using your stepmother's richness again to have some fun like mocking about your shattered pride of your last name to all paparazzi and talk shows and etcetera or going at your family's sponsored Balls wearing tuxedos and fedoras to point out that you're a natural rebel. You accidentally meet another queer cop at one of these fakey charisty Balls and starts to hang out with her.

Maggie Sawyer, same bluntness and authority and cop slangs your beloved one once had. She's slight older than Renee, but you don't care. You just want to feel the good aspects of love again.

And you get the conclusion that dating another queer cop was a real bad idea because you finally realize you were looking for another Renee Montoya all this time and Captain Sawyer clearly _is not_Renee. She doesn't trust you. She hates your second identity without knowing it's **you** behind the mask. She can't understand that the symbol of the bat in your chest is your redemption behind the red 'n black kevlar and leather. The Batman lore _is_ your belief… God, she can't even make you laugh about a bad joke and awful flirting like Renee _always_ did. So you let Maggie break up with you.

Funny thing is, you didn't feel hurt at all. Pain is all what you know for sure. Except-

... Except when you see Renee once more.

Well, not the way you wished to see her.

You can't even describe your feelings. It only gives you a ringing pain in your heart and soul because this meeting clearly wasn't planned by Renee. Sororithy your _ass_, but you needed to breath the same air she's breathing right now no matter if it's only a "business meeting" arranged by Huntress. Heh. It's kinda funny if not bad, because you barely tried to hide your jealousy towards the two way-too-close heroines. Alas, You feel the tricky urge of _hurting_ huntress in the knee because of it. Its painfully hard to ignore the fact they unoficionally become vigilante partnes now, and an annoying _good_ one.

By luckyness or whatever magical sinergy, you gathered the alien strengh to manage your menace because "the" Huntress told you the lies you needed to hear. "_We're just roomates_", she said. "_**You**__ and her were a thing_"; _"We're close friends because somewhere in the life we met a weird faceless guy that helped us to find our own patchs". _

You know that it's a half-truth-half-lie, because you actually **know** Helena Bertinelli quite well. You know the **reason** and **purpose** Helena is wearing lillac lipstick and light makeup. It's definetely not a warpaint against the criminal scums infestating Gotham City. Nor this almost out of character friendly behavior towards the others masked vigilantes, plus the sly smile and lavander fragrance that is almost distracting yourself. Tch. Such hipocrite.

She should admit they're _spending_ _too much_ _time_ worring and watching each other's backs_ way too much _instead of tracking two fa-

Sigh... You realise your jealousy slowly turning into envy. At least envy is an easy emotion to control. You finally manage to focus in _their_ mission and do what you're best at: kicking asses. Call it showing off if it suits better, but you left the dynamic duo impressed so easily using too litlle efforts... Plus you kinda sent a message to your unanounced _rival_, the one that means Huntress's enjoying something that you also enjoyed until **it lasts. **

After your little demonstration of powerness, Renee demonstrate a lack of atention to this. She even uses the clear patch to run into Two-Face's hideout. And you can only let your beloved _achiles heel_ takes charge and drag you and Huntress to this situation once again. Renee wishes to save both Harvey Dents and you don't get in her way Because deep inside you **too **want so, _so_ bad to save someone you care about... Even if this someone is more than **lost** in your universe. At least Rene succceed in her deeds.

Oh and you felt too overhelmed to think about making any action when she kissed you. Tch, that trickster... tricking you into longing the life you once had together. _The good part of that life at least. _She was only kidding with your feelings _per_ _se_, because she clearly doesn't want to share her life with you. She never mentioned her father was dying from cancer neither she told you Vandal Savage had his share with the Crime Bible issue. She beard the Mark of Cain in her forehead and did not paid you a visit seeking confort in your arms. You're obviously upset because of it but if you do not push some bondaries right now Renee will run from you one more time.

So you did. You tried to talk about past and future with her at the rooftop of St. Luke's Hospital. She avoided the matter like a plague. She talks about the other cop in your life instead. You gave million reasons for her to stay with you. She declined every motif. She seems to feel haunted by the past. She doesn't want to let the pain go. She doesn't want to start again. She doesn't want you.

"_Farewell, Ms. Kane_", she said before leaving. You sigh. And let her go again.

The bitterness in her voice... In your mind, her last words stays.

Like you said before... The things we do for our beloved ones, huh.

At least you still have yourself and your duty with the Bat Symbol and…

Well, some people say that being alone is the better company anyway.

_**Fin~**_

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_**A/N:**_

_**Yeah I know it feels like a bad ending for Kate... Well, sorry not Sorry for that. :x**_

_**At least they're together in DCU Rebirth era, so this makes me feel less guilty for writing their break up ^^**_

_**Cya!~**_

_**( Next onesgot : Renee's PoV)**_

_**(070216) (160616) (300719)**_


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